Matured Love

I haven't grown bitter.

In fact, I still find it in my heart to say "I love You". It's just that, the heart has its limit too, of how much it is willing to suffer.

Error

All I've ever done was compare you to every single guy who asked me out, replaying our memories rather aggressively and with abuse. It wasn't healthy and I'm apologizing to myself, not to you. I was driven by the thought that you were the best. I was thought at a young age that the real one only comes only once. It's a total no-brainer why I waited for you.

Just this once

Maybe I'm being selfish but, the truth is this time, I want you to be hurt. I want you to drown in my absence and maybe in time, when I can answer the questions that toyed with my thoughts at night; the buts, ifs and maybes, especially the ifs, we can continue whatever the remains may be. Maybe then, we deemed our worth to the universe for it to leave us alone. I'm sorry, I can't help but blame the universe. I blame the fates and all the other divine interventions who don't believe in Happily Ever Afters. I blame our society for judging us. Using words I would never like to re-call. They mold me to believe in fairy tales and when I actually lived in one? They closed the book and tore up the last page. 

Is it . . . .

There were this fleeting moments when I was so tempted to let you go.

There was no point on holding on when you know it's too late. I felt like I was drowning in your absence. I dwell on the bottom of the surface for far too long that I forgot how to breath. I was waiting. When I got so impatient, when I attempted to move on, I would resurface back into the air only to find myself deep down under where I knew I belonged. I thought it would be like that. So, I waited until the moment sunk in. For the wave to come and drag me deep down under, for my senses to realize you're within reach again. But it never came, it never did. So this is what they call being numb, huh? Or is this my first taste of Freedom?